Growing Pains

Parenting is hard.

I mean, really hard.

When they are young, you are tired.  You are watching them closely.  Guiding, directing.  You have the constant responsibility of making sure they are fed, had enough sleep.  That they are polite to others and learn to share their toys.  You answer a million questions a day.  All the "whys".

There were days that I swore if I heard "Mommy" one more time - I would change my name or even run away!

It's so much easier to blog when they are younger.  They do so many cute things to make up for the crazy and everyone relates to you.  It's not so easy when they are older.

Now there is this fear that you are sharing too much - embarrassing them.  Putting things out there that they may not like becoming public knowledge.  And maybe you don't either because you feel like you blew it in the parenting department.  It makes it so much harder to write about.


As we are in the middle of the teenage years - and the beginning of High School - there are so many things that I could talk about but don't.  Those bone-headed things that teenagers do - and our boneheaded reactions.  When will I ever learn to respond rather then react?????

In the beginning I was holding tight - now  I'm letting go.  This stage is by far - the hardest.

Seriously.

It involves more faith and trust than I often feel that I have.

I've been here a lot lately - thus the fact that my last blog entry was from July!

This stage also involves so much more prayer.  Well - not that I didn't pray a lot before but I guess I felt like, because they were still so little, I had more control.  And I guess I did to some degree.

Now my prayer life consists of a lot more begging and pleading.  Asking God to give me the strength to let go and trust him with my son - AND asking Him to protect and guide him since I am no longer with him 24/7.  He is becoming his own person with his own thoughts and opinions.

The things that I see in him involve the heart.  And unfortunately, often it is easy to focus on the negative.  The things that you know need to change - but that change can only come from God working in his heart.  Not his mom giving him a lecture.

For the past several months, I have been really praying that God would draw him in.  And that he would grow his faith.  This is probably one of the most scariest prayers because I look back on my own life and I know that my faith grew/grows the most in trials and difficulties.  No one wants to watch their child go through difficulties. We want to protect them from them.  But - is that really helping them? 

Jarod was handed a huge blow this week.  I won't go into details in order to keep his privacy and because this involved another family and I don't want to distract from their great loss.  But I will say that I knew immediately that this was part of what I had been praying for.  I also learned that this wasn't just about Jarod's faith growing - but mine as well. 

As I sat many times crying with him this week, I just continued praying that God would use this in his life.  

I watched him grieve - but I also watched him stand tall and do the difficult things that he never had to do before.  I heard from others how Jarod had affected them positively and the impact he made.  I learned what an encourager he is to his friends and I could see how God has been using him.  I watched how he would analyze a situation before getting involved.  How he had the wisdom to speak up or stay quiet when needed.

He handled this with such strength and maturity for a 15 year old.  As I watched, I could see God working.  I could see God using him.  I could see God growing him.  I could see God answering my prayers and for a brief moment - letting go didn't seem so scary.

When Jarod was entering Pre-K and I was scared out of my mind - (Pre-K - ugh!  I knew NOTHING! LOL)  God spoke to my heart and said, "Cami, trust me with him.  The things I am allowing for him (good AND bad) are so he will become the man I need him to be later."

I go back to that nugget constantly as I pray that I can completely trust God with my son.  Knowing that no matter what comes his way - it has a greater purpose.  And God loves him far more than I ever can - and that is impossible for this mother to grasp.

Today - I am so proud of this guy - and the young man that he is becoming.  And I am thankful for a God that is full of grace and mercy.  That doesn't give up on me when I fail as a parent.  And who has a purpose and a calling for my son.

"Mom, Can I Text Girls Now?"

I know I said that my next blog post would continue to talk about my trip to New York.  Sorry - putting that on hold for today.  I've been working through some things the last few days and feel the need to "work it out" here.  Funny how my blog becomes therapeutic at times.


Jarod turns 14 on Sunday.  I know, right?  Still wrapping my mind around it.

He is in the 8th Grade and is turning pretty little heads at school.  Last year he was smaller.  His hair was long and shaggy.  He had glasses.

He totally morphed over the summer.  He grew several inches, got contacts, cut off all his hair and his voice is cracking. Suddenly, this young man is living at my house, eating all my food!  It's nuts!

So - this is all normal, right?

Right.

Did I mention the girl part?

I know this is normal too but I will admit that it has struck a bit of fear in me and has even taken me a bit off track.  

He came home this week and asked me if he can text girls.   UGH!  Now I will tell you that he is talking about his friends.  We haven't seen much of the other yet - although I know it will come soon enough.

So - why is he asking this?

Let me back up a bit and explain -

We are "those parents" who did not allow him to have a cell phone until WE needed him to have one.  Entering Jr. High and coming home a few days a week to an empty house (because I'm running Anne to dance, etc.) constituted us needing him to have a phone.  Especially since we did away with the land line to save money.  I think he was one of the LAST ones in his age group to have a phone.  Not even kidding.

He still does not have a Facebook account.  He hovers over mine a lot but we just haven't felt like him having is own is necessary at this point.  So much drama happens via Facebook and teens.  Gosh - I think many adults still need to learn that some things just don't need to be talked about publicly.  So many things to misunderstand.  So many things are lost in translation!  (Body language, facial expressions, tone of voice)  Call me old fashioned, but some things need to be saved for real, live conversation.  Or at least a Private Message.  Throwing a bunch of teens (who are still maturing socially and trying to figure out who they are) into the mix can be dangerous.  Ya - he'll be the odd man out on that one for a little while longer.  Besides - some things are rights of passage.  We want him to appreciate the freedom and the responsibility of it all.

So - all of that being said - we also told Jarod that he was limited to who he could text/talk to. Mostly boys only.  A few girls (that we know) from church.  He's done pretty well at adhering to this rule.  The main reason it was made is because we don't know these girls.  I really am in protection mode.  It only takes one forward girl and a few texts or photos for the entire thing to get out of hand and Jarod be caught up in something that is over his head.

He and I have gone back and forth about this a bit this week.  I even got the "mom, I'm not a kid anymore - I'm 14" speech.

Nice!

I guess 14 is the new magical number.  I thought it was 16 or 18.  Anyway - I digress.....

Then, someone posted this blog on Facebook

FYI (if you're a teenage girl)

I liked it.  I felt like it validated my points.  I even made Jarod read it. (So he would better understand where I'm coming from -- and -- that I'm not the ONLY crazy, protective mom in this world)

Then I got on Facebook this morning and someone wrote this one in response:

Dear Mrs. Hall, Regarding Your “FYI (if you’re a teenage girl)”…

And I will have to admit that some of her points were just as valid.

We may see Facebook pages, posts, photos, etc. but do we really KNOW what's going on with that particular person?  Who are we to make such a blanket statement - shut her completely out - without knowing more.  There is ALWAYS a back story people!  ALWAYS!!!! 

But at the same time, I think we should monitor things like this.  We are allowed to have certain standards in our family.  If a movie or TV show doesn't hold up to certain standards, we don't allow it in our home.  We have control over that.  Why should the computer/Facebook be any different?  Jarod has watched me block people on my account because several of their posts were completely inappropriate.  (not just one - they were given grace)

So - where do I find a balance as a parent?


Then - there was THIS blog -

Seeing a Woman: A conversation between a father and son - See more at: http://natepyle.com/seeing-a-woman/#sthash.96RN0i43.dpuf

Seeing a Woman: A conversation between Father and Son

Oh my!  How perfect!  It's not about my policing these girls.  Shaming them - expecting them to live up to a crazy high standard and not allowing them to fail at some point.  It's not about my locking Jarod in a closet until he's 35 - although I have been very tempted!

It's about my teaching him.  My loving on him.  My modeling a Godly relationship with Russell in front of him.  It's about having those hard conversations.  Being available to listen, correct and not judge or condemn.  It's about trusting God with my son and the people that He brings into Jarod's life - knowing that ALL of it is part of his journey - his life lessons.  It's talking to him about this stuff and praying that he will recognize it for himself as time goes on.  I don't want to be the "morality police."  I can trust the Holy Spirit in his heart for that and then be there to reinforce what his heart is telling him.

Now, I'm not at all saying that I'm throwing up my hands and giving him full freedom.  That would be ridiculous and irresponsible on my part.  He is still 14 - he still needs a mom and a dad to walk with him through all of it.  But he is our focus - not all this external stuff.  His heart - his mind.  His reactions.  His responses.  Our job is to parent HIM - not everyone else.

We will move forward - s-l-o-w-l-y.......

I've known all this and feel confident that we've been doing this all along.  I just needed a bit of a reminder.  There was just something about the words, "Mom, can I text girls now?" that threw me off  a bit.  Go figure.......

He is noticing the new attention he is getting because of his new look.  He's not real impressed.  He told me, "If they only like me because of my new haircut and contacts, and not for me as a person, then they don't have a chance."

***Sigh***

I think we may be on the right track.


Until next time.....

Letting Go.....

Today is the first day of school.  It seems like yesterday that school was ending.  We were sitting in Jarod's promotion ceremony as he was finishing his elementary career.  We were excited to enter summer - a full 10 week break from the routine. 

Today is the first day of school.  I thought we had more time. 

I thought I could adjust to the changes coming in those 10 weeks.  I thought 10 weeks would be enough time to wrap my mind around all that was going to happen.

I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

Oh - I've hidden it well.  Even to myself.  I have done all the back to school shopping, bought all the school supplies, gone to the orientations, met the teachers.  In the last few days, I have even been secretly excited for the kids to go back to school and get into a routine.

Then, last night, reality hit. 

It wasn't pretty.

If you ask my husband, he would say it was predictable.  I blame him.  We crawled into bed last night and I was fine.  I was tired.  I was ready to go to sleep. 

Then Russ asked the ridiculous question.

"So, are you going to sleep okay tonight or is this going to be a cry fest?"

Seriously?  I'm tired.  I'm fine.  I'm going to sleep.

And then my brain went here -

And here -

And many other places.  My mind started playing images over and over in my head like an old family video. You know, the kind they play on TV and movies that is set to music and plays all the wonderful memories of your life. Ya - I'm sappy like that.

I pictured his first day of Pre-K, his first day of Kindergarten.  And so many other memories between then and now.

Then I thought about how God had shown us so clearly to put him in Orange Park Elementary.  For the last 7 years, he's been in a small school, with the same group of kids, with a group a teachers and administration who all knew who he was.  

Then I completely lost it.

Today, he starts 7th grade at Lake Asbury Jr. High.  1200+ teenagers.  Because we live kind of far out from OPE, maybe only 5 other students will go with him.  He. Knows. No One.  We might as well of moved to a new city.  He will be alone.


More ugly crying.

Really - it wasn't pretty.

And it did NOT help that Russ said things to me like:

"You know he's not really alone, God is with him."

"He'll be okay."

"You know the real issue is not whether or not Jarod can handle this - it's about you trusting.  Trusting God, trusting Jarod, trusting the teachers."

Ouch.

Even more ugly crying.

See - I told you it was his fault.  I was perfectly happy to just go to bed and go to sleep.  Now I'm drowning in snot, I can't breathe and my mind is racing.

Okay Buddy, if I snore tonight - just remember that you caused the cry fest.

Don't you hate it when they are right?  Russ knows me so well.  I'm so thankful he loves me anyway.

Jarod got up about this time.  He was having a hard time sleeping as well. I went into his room and chatted for a few minutes.  He was worried about his teachers and making new friends. I fought back the tears.

I really wanted to just crawl in his bed and hold him and sob.  Instead I told him how awesome his day was going to be and how good he is at making friends and that he shouldn't have a problem in that area.  I told him that he would be great and that I trusted him with his choices.  He knows the difference between right and wrong and he can handle it.  And I assured him that we were always here to help, encourage and cheer him on.  It was a great moment.

I came back to bed and fought the urge to get up and blog.  By this time it was 1:30 and I was already puffy eyed.  We had to get up at 6:30 with Anne and I needed some sleep.  So, I decided to pray instead.  Always a good idea.

In that time, God gave me a peace about today.  He reminded me of how He spoke clearly to my heart all those years ago when Jarod was going into Pre-K and I had this same melt down. (I have issues) He said, "Cami, trust Me with him.  The things that happen to him - good or bad - are things I need to happen in order to make him the man I need him to be later." 

Oh what comfort this brings me.  Yes, Jarod has been given to us to love, protect, nurture.  But we fall short so very often.  When I think of how much I love him - how huge my responsibility is - it's overwhelming.  But then I remember that God loves Him infinitely more.  That just blows my mind. He has created Jarod for a purpose.  He has a plan.  He knows what it is going to take to get him to that place where he can be used in a mighty way.

I want to stick him in a closet until he's 35.  Of course, in my mind, he'll come out as a wonderful human being completely mature and ready to fulfill his purpose.  But, that is not how it works.  He is fulfilling his purpose even now.  God is working in his life - even in the tough days of Jr. High.

He woke up this morning early and was so ready to go.  He asked to ride the bus on the first day.  Seriously?  We have driven him to school everyday his entire life.

Ugh.

Russ and I prayed with him this morning and he walked out the front door and into the new chapter of growth and maturity.  He texted me when he got off the bus at school and turned off his phone.


I am good.  I have a peace.  I will enjoy my day while I anxiously await his arrival around 4ish. 

I think cookies will be in the plan this afternoon.....

Being a Parent is Hard Work

You know, it's really easy to plug away at life - do the next thing - and believe that everything is fine, that everything is "under control" and then your children walk into the room.  Funny how they so quickly remind us that life is hard.  That parenting is hard.  I know that God gave us children so that we could understand - a little better - not completely - His love for us.  But, He also put them in our lives to show us that we still need Him.

When Jarod was born, I remember thinking, "Why didn't he come with step by step instructions"?  But, we muddled through, learning how and when to feed him, how to put him on a schedule, how to take care of him physically.  I thought it was hard at first - more exhausting really - but I got used to it and everything got easier.  When they are that little, their needs are basic.  Food, clothing, rest, boundaries and the hugs and kisses were easy.  You stayed on top of him, protected him from dangers and kissed the boo boos to make them better.

As he grew and got older, we settled into a pattern.  Still protecting and loving him but he could dress himself, feed himself, put himself to bed (although we still tuck him in).  We pray with him, pray for him, have meaningful discussions, and plug away.  But his needs have shifted again and I feel as though I need that "step by step instruction manual".  Kissing the occasional scraped knee is easy - helping to heal the wounds that are deep inside the heart are not.

Yesterday, Jarod had a very bad day at school and got into the van in tears.  He NEVER does that.  He went on to explain a series of circumstances that left him feeling like his life was horrible and wishing he had never been born.  He explained times when he was innocent and times where he failed.  *Sigh*  I remember those days.  Life at that age is hard.  Children are cruel.  And your perspective doesn't really go beyond your own circle so you think that the entire world is out to get you and it will ALWAYS be that way.

I honestly believe that everything in our life happens for a reason.  To teach us and grow us - but also so we can be transparent and help others.  So we can all relate to each other.  Unfortunately, as an adult, we try and push out all the horrible memories from childhood.  All the bad things that were said and done by our peers and even adults.  Amazing how Jarod getting into the van yesterday brought all those memories back to me.  The feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and loneliness.  I realized yet another reason why I went through all my "stuff" as a child - to understand and relate with my own.

In times like these - you want to pull your child from everything involving another human being and lock them in the house until they're 35.  But when we were making the decision to put Jarod in school, God spoke very directly to my heart and said, "Cami, trust me.  The things that he is going to go through - both good and bad - are the things I need him to experience to make him into the man I need him to be later." 

I am so thankful for a gracious and loving God.  He gave me this confirmation so that on tough days like these I could remember that He is complete control.  He knew this day was going to happen and He knew that I would struggle as well.  He knew that I would need to be reminded that He has great plans for my son and He is - even now - with the difficult times - molding and shaping him into the person he is supposed to be.

As a mother, my role is changing.  I cannot protect him from everything.  He has to experience all the yuck in life, along with the good.  The next several years are going to be nothing but one huge roller coaster of life's highs and lows.  Independence and failure.  I have to be ready for whatever comes my way - I have to be prepared for both.  I have to be ready to teach, to correct, to guide, to listen and most importantly - to love.  But this kind of love is different than when he was a baby.  Loving a baby is easy.  They are cute and funny.  They easily melt your heart.  An adolescent teenager - not always so much.  It's a constant battle of wills and ideas and a fight for independence.  But he needs me to show him love now more than ever.  Not just the mushy, hugs and kisses, everything is wonderful kind of love.  But the tough love - the love of discipline and guidance.  Unfortunately, that doesn't always come across as love.  Through the eyes of a young teen, it comes across as cruelty and unfairness - no matter the package it's delivered in.

All I know is that right now I feel inadequate. I feel like I'm starting over.  These are uncharted waters for me - just like when he was born.  I've never done this before.  But, I know that God is adequate.  I know that God has a plan for my son and Russ and I are part of that.  I know that we will make mistakes - but I also know that God knows what those mistakes will be and has the power to heal.  I know that I need to continually remind myself and Jarod of that.  I need to continually point him back to the Lord. I know that I need to spend a lot of time on my knees - a lot of time communicating with Jarod.  I am thankful that I am not alone in this.  That Russ and I are a team.  That we can work together to help parent Jarod.

After such a bad day yesterday - Jarod's feelings of inadequacy and failure - Russ and I were at a loss.  We talked for a while about what to do to help and the Lord gave Russ the idea of taking Jarod with him to the church today to help with the Angel Food Ministries Distribution.  He and Jarod went to breakfast together, talked some things out and then went on to the church to help.  Jarod spent his morning passing out food and helping take it to people's cars.  He came home a different kid.  He had purpose this morning.  He felt needed and valued.  Don't we all need to be reminded of that sometimes?  Funny how a simple task of helping others can bring us out of the depths of despair that we can feel after a series of bad events.  I am so thankful that God gave Russell the idea to take him along.  It was just what he needed.

So - I knew the teenage years were coming.  I knew one day we would get here.  And I'm just at the very beginning of it all.  Am I ready?  Like so many other things in my life - I don't want to take a short cut and miss out on the lessons that the Lord has for me.  I also don't want to miss out on my son.  Being a parent is hard work.  It's 24/7.  There is no taking a break.  It's a lifelong commitment.  I have children - therefore I have the responsibility to them and to God to do this right.  I can only do this with God's help.  I will stand before God one day and be held accountable for the way that I parent my children.  That's humbling.  That's frightening.  I want so much to hear "Well done."  My children are part of my ministry here on earth.  I fall short so often.  But I serve a gracious and merciful God who will be with me every step of the way.  I can only be obedient to Him.  My children will fail. They will make bad decisions.  They are human - like me.  I can point them in the right direction but the rest is up to God.  There's a great peace in that.