I have been reminded over and over again recently just how wretched I am. Seems the ugliness of pettiness and selfishness always seems to rear it's head. I repent, give it to the Lord, something reminds me of it and I start all over again. Just as frustrated as before - nothing changes. The more I pray about it, the more frustrated I become.
Emotions are strong and often deceiving. They are not wrong, but our response to them can be. So many times we act on the emotions before figuring out where they are coming from. We fail to peel back the layers to find out the root cause of an emotion. I've come to find over the years that my emotions are like an onion. Layers and layers and layers. They build on each other over the years and then finally something scratches it just right and yuck! Emotional vomit! It all comes out - tears, anger, frustration, jealousy, pettiness, selfishness - just plain yuck! All those things we try to conceal behind our thick outer skin. It's so easy to just look at the immediate thing that caused the explosion instead of peeling back each layer to get to the root issue. So often the thing that causes us to finally react - is not the true problem.
This has been a hard lesson over the years. But I do try to evaluate myself before I react to something. It's never easy and often it means holding a mirror up and my NOT liking what I see. But most times, if we allow it, God uses it. God is all about relationships. Our relationship with him - our relationship with others. How we relate to others can be a good indication of how we relate with Him. Now that's scary.
For the past several weeks, I have been dealing with lots of emotions. Anger, hurt, entitlement. I'll be honest and tell you that it had to do with stuff. Some of my moms stuff! Stuff that will eventually burn in a land fill. Stuff that by itself means nothing. Attach to it that it was my mother's and man - it's been a strange roller coaster for me. So petty - so selfish - so wrong on many levels. But - so very emotional. There are people in Haiti and the rest of the world who have NOTHING and I'm worried about stuff.
What was it about this stuff? I kept praying - repenting - praying some more. Driving Russell crazy as I am one of those who has to talk out loud and hear myself as I process. It kept coming back up - it wouldn't go away. I was just going to leave it all alone because it was ridiculous! It was STUFF!!!!! But as the days and weeks went on, I felt like I needed to do something. But what? I'm going to look like a fool. And then, in one of my moments of talking out loud and processing - peeling back those layers - I had a break through! It wasn't really about the stuff - it was about my relationship with a family member. It was about me being honest with them - it was about me being heard. It was about being real. It was about loving them enough to continue to tear down the walls that had been created. It was about allowing them to understand me.
I prayed for the opportunity to talk about it and God gave it to me. It wasn't always pretty. And it definitely was not easy - but more bricks on that wall were torn down. Healing had continued. Yes - there were tears and other difficult emotions but it took us to a new and deeper level. One of understanding, one of empathy, one of deeper commitment to the relationship. And you know what? I was released from the pull of the "stuff". It was never really my issue. The relationship needed more healing - more tending to. Something I had avoided because it meant it would be hard. Man - sometimes the hardest things are the most rewarding. And yet - we get so caught up with all the surfacy "stuff".
I am so thankful that I kept processing - that I kept fighting - digging - praying. That I didn't just react on the emotions that were causing all of this to begin with. It was so much deeper than that. Had I reacted the way I wanted to - it could have made things so much worse. It could have destroyed the relationship and caused wounds that would take a long time to heal - if ever. But, instead, I waited, I obeyed and I have been rewarded. My relationship has moved forward and I have been set free. From stuff.
God is so very good. He loves me unconditionally, He forgives me and He is alive and working in my life and in my relationships. This whole situation made my Easter even sweeter this year. On that note, here is our day in photos.......
Easter Baskets
Sock Monkey was a favorite!
A snorkel and mask and Sherlock Holmes DVD's
Before Church
After church
Russell's Sister, Teresa and her son, Steven
Uncle Ray and Aunt Teresa
Hunting Eggs at Nana's
Uncle Ray helping Jarod fly his kite
Run! Run! Run!
Blowing Bubbles....
LOVE this one!
Happy Resurrection Day Everyone! I pray that God is working in your life as well! There is no greater place to be - then exactly in the center of His will. Sometimes it's exciting. Most of the time it's hard. But it is ALWAYS joyously rewarding! Until next time.....
