Hard Lessons Learned

Last time I mentioned that God had really been working in my mind and heart this past week and I wanted to share a that with you. We are continuing our study of Moses in BSF. This is the third time I have taken this particular study and it's amazing how each time, God has taught me something completely different. It just goes to show that God's Word is very much alive and applicable to our lives today.

I have seriously been struggling with this Orlando thing. I hate the word struggling because Elizabeth Elliott said on one of her radio programs that if you are "struggling" with something you are simply being disobedient. Ouch. So - I guess I should rephrase that and say that I have been very disobedient about this Orlando thing. That's sobering.

My poor husband usually stays a few steps ahead of me on these things and has to wait for me to catch up. Leadership is lonely at times. It's probably been a year since Russ mentioned to me that he knew God was leading him back into full time ministry. I wonder if his time in "Midian"
was because of me? Now that's really sobering. I was angry from day one. How dare he suggest that we leave our church family whom we had come to love so very dearly and go somewhere else to serve. Especially since I knew in my heart that it probably would be some place other than Jacksonville. How dare he suggest that we uproot our family and move!

I thought maybe our trip to Oregon would satisfy his desire to do something different, but that was only denial on my part. When God puts a work in your heart, it's not going to go away until it is fulfilled. And Russ' desire is defintely a work of God. Oregon only deepened that desire and prepared us for now. I really hoped that we would come home, get into our routine and he would forget about it for a little while. Nope. Enter Orlando Baptist Church. Well, it has Disney World so it can't be all that bad, right? Something was still holding me back and making me miserable. I didn't even care that much about Disney - and couldn't understand why.

We spent our first 9 years of marriage living in rental houses, church owned houses, nothing that we could call our own. 3 years ago, God moved mountains, wiped out $10,000.00 worth of debt in an instant (that's a story for another day) and gave us our first home. I have spent the last 3 years painting, decorating, gutting a bathroom, buying a new A/C unit, hot water heater, landscaping, purchasing just the right furniture and pictures to go on that perfect wall. I still have so many things that I want to do to make this place just perfect. Now, God wants me to uproot and move away again.

I have dug my claws in hard and fought God on this with everything from anger to tears. All the while justifying my sin and trying to make it sound spiritual. I truly believe that after my mom passed away, God gave us a long period of rest. Problem is, it's time to move forward again and I've gotten lazy. I like my life, I like my routine, my house, my comfort zone. I like that things have been easy. Russell told me there is a difference between comfort and complacency. Once again - ouch!

This week in BSF we studied the Cloud - the Shekinah Glory of God. How it led the Israelites through the desert. When it stopped, they stopped. When it moved, they moved. Sometimes it would stop for a day, sometimes a year. Each time they stopped, and unpacked all their "stuff", they would never know exactly when it was going to move again. They had to follow or get left behind, which would mean dying in the wilderness. The fact is that the Israelites were a chosen people. Chosen by God to be set apart and eventually produce the line of Christ. They were chosen for no other reason than God's divine plan. Fact is, they were sinners. They broke the Commandments before Moses even came down the mountain with them. They were people. Just like me.

This week I have been humbled. I have had a mirror held in front of me and have not liked what I see. How did I get here? Where is my passion? Where is my mercy? Where is my compassion? Where is my love for others? I should be thrilled that God, in His mercy and compassion, in spite of my sin, has chosen me to serve Him in a new area. I am humbled that He has called me to serve, to share my life, my story, the things He has taught me with others. Instead, I have kicked and faught and whined and cried because MY life is changing. I have made my house, the very gift that God had given me, a repulsive idol. I have made my time, my ideas, my comfort, my schedule an idol. I am sickened at the thought.

Moses was willing to give up his life for 2 million plus Israelites. I'm sure he didn't know but a few intimately. And they were sinful, stiff necked people. And yet, he was willing that God take His life so that God's promises would continue through the Israelites. Where is my passion for others? Again, where is my mercy? As I have been on my knees before God this week, and asked Him to restore it, I am slowly seeing that happen. I no longer want to endure all that God is doing in my life, but I am ready to embrace it.

Our ultimate pursuit as Christians is to know Him and make Him known. We are not saved to sit, we are saved to serve. Our greatest privilege and highest purpose in life is to serve God in the work He has ordained for us. My calling in life is to be a wife and a mom and I can do that from any house that I live in. The added bonus is that I get to serve along side my husband and influence young lives. A friend told me recently that I am a military wife. My husband is in the Lord's army and unlike some who get to settle into one place and serve, the Lord moves us from place to place. Each time growing us stronger, causing us to trust Him more. I don't want to sit. If God is moving, I want to go with Him. I want Him to ultimately say, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" I don't want to miss out on the blessings He has in store for me and my family because I was pouting in a corner.

We still are not completely sure that Orlando is our next stop - but we know that sometime soon we will be moving on to the next thing the Lord has for us. Our eyes are fixed on the Lord and I can now humbly say, "Lord, whatever - I'm willing!"

Anyone know someone who needs to rent a 3 br/2 bath house?