Grief is a journey. After several years of having moments where it overwhelmed me, I can finally say that I am beyond that point. I used to feel like her death "defined" me. It was such a strong marker in my life and everything stemmed from that. Yes - God has used it and for a long time it did define me - it defined who I was at that moment. Now, I look at it and it no longer defines who I am but it has helped to establish who I have become. It is in the past - it is only part of my story - not the whole thing.
It was 10 years ago this week, that I sat down at my computer and typed up this email. (This was before my blogging days). I think about this often because this is where my faith shifted. This is where I truly understood the hope of Christmas. Sometimes things cannot be fully understood until they are applied.
December 20, 2002
I hope you are doing well and have finished all your Christmas shopping. Believe it or not, I am just about finished. I only have a few things to pick up. Fortunately, I got started in early November so I had many things done before things got too crazy around here.
I did manage to get my Christmas Tree up and decorated this week and today I worked on Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Balls and our favorite Christmas Cookies. Mom wanted so much for us to be able to come home and have a normal Christmas and not have to worry about taking care of her and the Lord answered that prayer, along with many others that I'm going to share with you. So, I have decided to plug away and make things as normal as possible. Jarod is loving it. Everyday he asks if Santa has come yet. It's probably a good thing we didn't get the tree up and the house decorated until this late because he is having a hard time being patient. But hey, that's the excitement of a 3 year old, right?
The Monday before Mom died, she called Marc and I to her bedside and told us how proud of us she was and how she has watched us pull away from her over the last few months and really lean on the Lord. She said she had worked her way out of a job. She also said that God had been good and answered all of her prayers concerning her illness. The number one being that she was still talking to us - and continued to talk to us until Friday. She was still cracking jokes even then - her sense of humor through all of her illness was amazing. Secondly, she was still able to stand - with much assistance - but she wasn't confined to bed until right before she died. And of course, thirdly, that we could go home for Christmas.
Many people have wondered about how I am doing since Christmas is right on top of us. Actually, I am doing amazingly well. I had the unique experience of watching mom die physically. That may sound morbid at first but, as she lay in the bed and her physical body changed every hour, I understood what it was for the spirit to leave the body. All that was left behind was an empty shell and I was left with the complete confidence and assurance that she was with the Lord. The last 30 hours of my mom's life, while she lay in a coma, were difficult, and yet very peaceful. I clung to a verse that a dear friend of mine gave me. Psalms 116:15 "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." I knew that He was in the house with all of us as we cared for her - I was comforted and even at times, overwhelmed by His presence.
Having lost my Grandfather suddenly 10 years ago and then watching my mom die over a long period of time - I will have to say that there are pros and cons to each. God has a purpose in everything He allows in our lives. It's our jobs to take advantage of that and learn what He has for us. Regardless of rather mom was taken suddenly or over a long period of time - the apron strings would have to be cut. The results were going to be the same - mom would be gone and I would have to learn how to get through life without her constant influence. I am so very thankful that God allowed us to have the last six months together. God, in His grace, allowed me to slowly break away, and rely on Him more. And mom, was able to see the growth in me and we both were given the knowledge that I would be okay. What a tremendous blessing. I cherish the last 6 months of caring for her and learning from her and allowing her and Jarod to know one another.
There were so many times when I was so overwhelmed by it all and just wanted to quit. I did what I did because I didn't want to take the easy way out and miss out on lessons that God had for me. Well, His lessons are not always easy and there were many times I just want my life back. But God, in His mercy, in the middle of my being selfish --- being "human" --- continued to work, and teach me things and grow me in the direction that He wanted me to go. Only now am I just beginning to see His hand over the last several months - when I couldn't see it before - and I am completely overwhelmed by His love and His faithfulness. He has had His hand on every aspect of this. He had a purpose in it all. Who are we to question God? Many people ask why such a thing could happen to a woman like my mom. I say it was because she loved Him so much and was completely and totally willing to be used by Him no matter what it took. In many ways I see it as her giving her life for me. So God could teach me things that I would not have learned otherwise. Other people learned from this, don't e get me wrong. But deep down inside, I have to question myself - am I willing? she gave her life to the Lord and he allowed it to be overtaken by disease so that others may know Him better. And through it all she never complained or questioned Him, Do I even have half the faith that she did? What a legacy and an heritage!
So - as Christmas approaches - how am I doing? I'm great!!!! Death is always difficult - whether it be Christmas or in the middle of July. But this doesn't bring a cloud over my holiday - it gives me a totally new and deeper understanding of Christmas. Without Christmas there would be no hope. There wouldn't be the peace and the joy I am experiencing right now in the assurance that my mom is spending her Christmas with the King of Kings. Without the birth of Jesus (and the death and resurrection) there would be no hope. I have clung to that knowledge the last several days. I know that mom is in heaven and that I will see her again. I know that God is in complete control of my whole life and anything that happens to me, He allows for a reason - He allows so that I will be a better person. I have a new perspective on life, death - and Christmas - and I am thankful for the experience. God is good.
Until next time - have a wonderful Christmas!!!
Cami
Wow - I read this now and am so thankful for the journey I have been on. I have learned so much about faith - about trusting God and knowing how much He loves me and that no matter what happens in my life, there is always a bigger purpose. I can trust Him to walk with me in the good times and in the bad and know that it will all be okay.
Loosing mom at Christmas caused me to really see Christmas for what it is. I had always known it with my head - but this caused me to experience it with my heart. Christmas brings hope and salvation. Christmas is only the beginning of the story.
A few years ago, I was introduced to this song. It has become my favorite. It says it all.....
The beginning of the story is wonderful and great
But it's the ending that can save you and that's why we celebrate
It's about the cross
It's about my sin
It's about how Jesus came to be born once
So that we could be born again
It's about God's love
Nailed to a tree
It's about every drop of blood that flowed from Him when it should have been me
It's about the stone
That was rolled away
So that you and I could have real life someday
Last week, this billboard was put up in Times Square by atheists.org
Isn't funny how they didn't put a photo of the manger in this picture? Even they acknowledge that Christmas is about the cross. They jumped right to the real meaning - the end of the story - the one that is so threatening to them.
How can you survive this world without hope? The only real hope is in Christ. I am praying tonight that eyes will be opened, hearts will be changed and lives will be saved. It's all about our eternity - where will you spend yours?
Christmas is all about the cross.....
Until next time.....
