Traditions? Seriously??????

I haven't written in a while.  Not because I didn't want to.  We've been so busy with Thanksgiving and stuff that I have several pictures to post and fun little stories to write about and yet they have felt unimportant.  My jewelry came in from Haiti and I have been amazed by the buzz that it has caused and how excited people are about it!  The stack of cereal boxes at church is growing!  Even people who haven't attended church in months have stopped by to donate.  The excitement is contagious and that's just what I prayed for.  God is good.  I'm so thankful that He is using me in this small way.

But something is still "off" with me.  I can't put a finger on it.  The Christmas Spirit is still not fully come into focus.  I feel like I am going through the motions - I'm so ready for this month to be over!  Why?  I have never been like this before - never!

I am always so excited about Christmas - about the traditions - the things we do every year.  This year they seem futile and pointless.  They feel empty.  I'm just doing them because I have to - because it's expected.  I really thought that putting my tree up and decorating my house this weekend would have solved all of it.  Nope.

I had some new Christmas decorations to go through this year.  My Aunt had given me a box of Christmas things that belonged to my cousin, Nicki, who died in a car accident last  December.  It also included some things from my Grandmother who died 2 years ago.  As I sat and opened each one - thinking about my cousin, my grandmother - my grandfather.  Then opening my own things that belonged to my mother.  I had this incredible sense off loss.  Memories - days long ago when I was a child and all I had to do was be.  I could revel in the spirit of Christmas and have no worries.  When these people worked hard to make the memories for me.  Now they are gone and I've been left to carry on for my children.  This year I don't want the job.

It's weird.  Wednesday will be 8 years since my mom died.  Every year I have always been more than okay.  I have been thankful for Christmas - thankful because without Christmas, we wouldn't have a Savior.  Without Christmas, we wouldn't have hope.  That hope has gotten me through knowing my my family is with the Lord.  Knowing that they are having the best Christmas ever!  Knowing that I will see them again.  This year it's different.  I know all these things and have a peace that goes beyond all the yuck that I'm feeling right now, but, I still feel the yuck.

I wish I could explain what is going on with me.  I'm really all over the board as far as my emotions go.  The Lord has been working in my heart and changing my ideas of how we celebrate Christmas.  So even the tree and the baking I'm scheduled to do this week, and the parties, and the decorations seem pointless.

I know, I know - you are going to say "Traditions are important, traditions are about family and making memories, traditions are about the children".  Really?  I'm beginning to feel once again that traditions - at least our traditions - are nothing more than a family huddle.  Selfishness.

I'm getting restless.  I feel like a hamster stuck on his exercise wheel.  Going and going and going.  Life just moves beneath you with each step.  Each year the same exact thing.  Day after day after day.  We get into a rut all year long and we come to December and we continue the rut by doing the same thing we do every year because it's comfortable.  Because it's what we do.  

We live in a country that dictates our traditions.  We are bombarded by commercials and media that tells us how Christmas should be.  It's all around us!  We feel the expectations of living up to that.  The latest and the greatest.  Making each Christmas better.  Finding that "perfect" gift.  Ugh!  The pressure!!!!  Then, as my husband says, "We slap a manger scene on everything and say 'Jesus is the Reason for the Season'!"  Seriously????  Jesus is the reason that we go around buying all this "stuff'?  Jesus is the reason that we exhaust ourselves all through the month of December, so we can sit down on Christmas morning, spend MAYBE 30 minutes unwrapping gifts that are just going to rot in a landfill?  Seriously?  Do we take the time to explain WHY Jesus is the Reason for the Season?  It really doesn't make us Christians look any different than the world around us.
 
Now, please don't get me wrong.  Many of you are going to start calling me a Scrooge and that is NOT the case.  There simply has to be something more.  A way for my family to be different.  Not weird - or secluded from the world - not legalistic or "holier than thou".  We are to be in the world.  I just don't want to look like the world.  I don't want to be controlled by it.  Everything right now is feeling so temporal.  Maybe it would be easier if we lived in a different country - a poor country - where there are no Christmas expectations.  People are just trying to survive.  Not keep up with the Jones'. 


I explained in an earlier post that we are tight financially this year.  We had money saved, but slowly over the last few months, extra expenses have come up and that savings has been dwindled.  Van repairs, computer repairs, dental expenses.  All necessary things that happen in life - and we were thankful that God provided for the cost of those things through our savings.  But here we sit at Christmas and there is nothing extra.    God does this in our lives quite often.  He brings us back to zero to remind us that He is the provider.  That we cannot rely on ourselves and our savings account.  That we can only rely on Him.

So, then God began working in my heart about how I spend my money.  I am so excited about all that He's shown me and how He has already enabled me to live it out in helping with the ApParent Project and the jewelry sales from Haiti.  Going beyond ourselves and making each dollar count for eternity - not just purchasing random things from Wal-mart or the mall.

Typically, I get a lot of Christmas orders for my Calligraphy business this time of year and it helps to get us through the holiday.  I haven't had a lot this year.  And I've been sitting back wondering why.  God usually provides over and above for us and everything is fine.  But, this year I think it's interesting that my heart has changed so drastically and we are so tight financially.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.  Russ and I were discussing this earlier today and he pointed out that if we had the finances, it would be so easy to step right back into the traditions that we are trying to break free of.  Hmmmm.  There is a purpose in everything.

I still don't know what all of this means.  I do know that God is working deep within my heart.  I am changing.  I am becoming new.  I am finding who He wants me to be.  I will tell you that it's a very painful process.  There have been tears, there has been anger, there has been loss, and there has been excitement.  But most importantly there has been a peace.  I know I am exactly where He wants me right now.  I may not like it and it certainly is not comfortable.  But I'd rather be exactly where He wants me - no matter the pain, then off doing my own thing oblivious to the things of God.  There will be blessings at the end of this.  God is not finished.  He has a plan and a purpose.  This has been therapeutic for me today.  I have been known to go an extreme to be brought into balance.  Not sure if this is one of those times or God just doing radical things in my life.  But thanks for listening to me today as my pendulum swings. I look forward to sharing what is to come........
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Followup - I was given this link by a friend and it was very helpful!  Check it out:

http://www.asiashope.org/directors-blog/2010/12/7/and-in-his-name-all-oppression-shall-cease.html