Letting Go.....

Today is the first day of school.  It seems like yesterday that school was ending.  We were sitting in Jarod's promotion ceremony as he was finishing his elementary career.  We were excited to enter summer - a full 10 week break from the routine. 

Today is the first day of school.  I thought we had more time. 

I thought I could adjust to the changes coming in those 10 weeks.  I thought 10 weeks would be enough time to wrap my mind around all that was going to happen.

I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

Oh - I've hidden it well.  Even to myself.  I have done all the back to school shopping, bought all the school supplies, gone to the orientations, met the teachers.  In the last few days, I have even been secretly excited for the kids to go back to school and get into a routine.

Then, last night, reality hit. 

It wasn't pretty.

If you ask my husband, he would say it was predictable.  I blame him.  We crawled into bed last night and I was fine.  I was tired.  I was ready to go to sleep. 

Then Russ asked the ridiculous question.

"So, are you going to sleep okay tonight or is this going to be a cry fest?"

Seriously?  I'm tired.  I'm fine.  I'm going to sleep.

And then my brain went here -

And here -

And many other places.  My mind started playing images over and over in my head like an old family video. You know, the kind they play on TV and movies that is set to music and plays all the wonderful memories of your life. Ya - I'm sappy like that.

I pictured his first day of Pre-K, his first day of Kindergarten.  And so many other memories between then and now.

Then I thought about how God had shown us so clearly to put him in Orange Park Elementary.  For the last 7 years, he's been in a small school, with the same group of kids, with a group a teachers and administration who all knew who he was.  

Then I completely lost it.

Today, he starts 7th grade at Lake Asbury Jr. High.  1200+ teenagers.  Because we live kind of far out from OPE, maybe only 5 other students will go with him.  He. Knows. No One.  We might as well of moved to a new city.  He will be alone.


More ugly crying.

Really - it wasn't pretty.

And it did NOT help that Russ said things to me like:

"You know he's not really alone, God is with him."

"He'll be okay."

"You know the real issue is not whether or not Jarod can handle this - it's about you trusting.  Trusting God, trusting Jarod, trusting the teachers."

Ouch.

Even more ugly crying.

See - I told you it was his fault.  I was perfectly happy to just go to bed and go to sleep.  Now I'm drowning in snot, I can't breathe and my mind is racing.

Okay Buddy, if I snore tonight - just remember that you caused the cry fest.

Don't you hate it when they are right?  Russ knows me so well.  I'm so thankful he loves me anyway.

Jarod got up about this time.  He was having a hard time sleeping as well. I went into his room and chatted for a few minutes.  He was worried about his teachers and making new friends. I fought back the tears.

I really wanted to just crawl in his bed and hold him and sob.  Instead I told him how awesome his day was going to be and how good he is at making friends and that he shouldn't have a problem in that area.  I told him that he would be great and that I trusted him with his choices.  He knows the difference between right and wrong and he can handle it.  And I assured him that we were always here to help, encourage and cheer him on.  It was a great moment.

I came back to bed and fought the urge to get up and blog.  By this time it was 1:30 and I was already puffy eyed.  We had to get up at 6:30 with Anne and I needed some sleep.  So, I decided to pray instead.  Always a good idea.

In that time, God gave me a peace about today.  He reminded me of how He spoke clearly to my heart all those years ago when Jarod was going into Pre-K and I had this same melt down. (I have issues) He said, "Cami, trust Me with him.  The things that happen to him - good or bad - are things I need to happen in order to make him the man I need him to be later." 

Oh what comfort this brings me.  Yes, Jarod has been given to us to love, protect, nurture.  But we fall short so very often.  When I think of how much I love him - how huge my responsibility is - it's overwhelming.  But then I remember that God loves Him infinitely more.  That just blows my mind. He has created Jarod for a purpose.  He has a plan.  He knows what it is going to take to get him to that place where he can be used in a mighty way.

I want to stick him in a closet until he's 35.  Of course, in my mind, he'll come out as a wonderful human being completely mature and ready to fulfill his purpose.  But, that is not how it works.  He is fulfilling his purpose even now.  God is working in his life - even in the tough days of Jr. High.

He woke up this morning early and was so ready to go.  He asked to ride the bus on the first day.  Seriously?  We have driven him to school everyday his entire life.

Ugh.

Russ and I prayed with him this morning and he walked out the front door and into the new chapter of growth and maturity.  He texted me when he got off the bus at school and turned off his phone.


I am good.  I have a peace.  I will enjoy my day while I anxiously await his arrival around 4ish. 

I think cookies will be in the plan this afternoon.....